


the avalanche

by villiageidiot



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Alec Lightwood-centric, Episode Related, Introspection, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, POV Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 15:08:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28940484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/villiageidiot/pseuds/villiageidiot
Summary: Alec tried to not feel things but then he met Magnus Bane - and started feeling everything(Or: Alec Lightwood's step-by-step evolution fromemotions are nothing but a distractiontolet's get engaged while the world literally burns to the groundas told through the lens of Merriam-Webster)
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 37
Kudos: 83





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> title based off the song "Salvation" by Gabrielle Aplin because it's beautiful and gave me many Malec feels. 
> 
> Also - I've never really written a story like this before, but it's been spinning in my head since July, so hopefully someone somewhere enjoys it :)
> 
> Also also - thank you _thank you_ to my beta reader [alistoney](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alistoney) for all of the help, positive vibes, and feedback!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> season one through the eyes of Alec Lightwood

**_(1.03) Cold: marked by a lack of the warmth of normal human emotion or friendliness; not moved to enthusiasm; not colored or affected by personal feeling_**

If Alec had any use for introspection, he would say that there was always a pervasive iciness to his life. 

But he doesn’t so he won’t. 

His room at the Institute is purely functional, not a place for frivolous knick-knacks or childhood crafts. His mother is distant and withholding, not a mom that radiates warmth and acceptance. And his bond with Jace should provide some comfort, but not anymore; Alec does his best to close it off, not allowing for too much warmth to seep through. 

And everything else - well, that’s cold, too. He sees the way Jace looks at Clary, and he feels pangs of hurt and jealousy, sure, but mostly he tries to feel nothing. Jace will never look at him that way. Worse, _no one_ will ever look at Alec that way. There’s an ice that settles in the depth of his stomach when he realizes over and over again that he’ll never get what he wants. The warmth and comfort that comes with someone loving him, _wanting_ him, that’s not in the cards for Alec. 

So instead of focusing on it, instead of letting the cold settle into his bones, instead of letting himself want things, he tries to feel numb. 

Emotions are nothing but a distraction. 

*

**_(1.04) Captivated: having one’s interest or attention held or captured by something or someone charming, beautiful, entertaining, etc._ **

It’s surreal. All of it. It makes no sense. _Alec_ makes no sense.

One minute, he’s shooting an arrow at an asshole in some bizarre club, and the next, he’s smiling like a goddamn crazy person at some beautiful man wearing gold eyeliner and a metallic jacket – good god _those eyes_ – and it’s almost like an out-of-body experience, if Alec believed in those types of things. His face hurts for a minute, which makes him realize that maybe it’s been too long since he’s smiled this hard – wait, has he ever smiled this hard? – and then the man with those eyes offers his name and Alec offers his, and then there’s a brief moment when Alec thinks maybe he stopped speaking English. So he decides to _run away_ – because of course he does.

Fuck, he is so broken.

Also, what _the hell_ just even happened.

Later, Alec’s alarmed to realize it wasn’t just a momentary lapse in judgment because when Magnus calls him _pretty boy_ , which should be totally insulting, it makes Alec’s heart stutter for a second, instead of making him feel offended and objectified and _outed_.

And when Magnus holds his hand around a pentagram, Alec can’t breathe. He’s spent years perfecting his distant ambivalence, but when he watches Magnus, he’s _riveted_ , and shit, he is so screwed.

*

**_(1.05) Impulsive: acting based on a sudden spontaneous inclination or incitement to some usually unpremeditated action_ **

Magnus calls to ask him out – because _Would you like to get a drink sometime?_ could not be any clearer – and Alec easily says, _No._ He’s spent years crafting this distance, and turning down a date with an overtly-suggestive playboy warlock couldn’t be simpler.

But his “no” actually sounds like: _That sounds fun. When?_

Alec’s heart stops. _Time_ stops. There’s no way that just happened. How the hell does he expect to keep this – _his life –_ a secret if he’s caught on a date with the most obvious, promiscuous warlock in New York?

But thank the angel for Clary (and Alec realizes how dire his situation is if _that’s_ the takeaway here) because she gives him an easy out to undo the damage. As he hangs up on Magnus and chases after Clary, he tells himself to get his shit together and reminds himself about what’s at stake: his family, his career, his _life_. He’ll do better next time.

*

**_(1.06) Baffled: extremely confused or puzzled_ **

It’s just - 

He’s not sure he - 

What does - 

_I wanted to see you again._

What does it mean? 

Because it seems so genuine coming out of Magnus’ mouth - not that Alec is staring at his mouth or anything - but it can’t be. He’s Magnus Bane, New York’s most promiscuous lothario. Alec has seen the pictures; he’s heard the stories. Hell, he’s _met_ Magnus, and he’s pretty sure Magnus was hitting on him just days ago. 

_You’ve unlocked something in me._

But it sounds so _real_ when Magnus says it. Alec wants to believe his words so badly; he wants someone to want him. 

And the worst part - he maybe does believe him, in a way. 

Actually, the worst part - Magnus wants him, and Alec doesn’t run the hell away. 

_I wanted to see you again._

He stands there and let’s Magnus flirt and stare heatedly and say things probably just meant to get Alec into bed. Alec just stands there and lets him do it. 

Magnus asks him why he came, and Alec doesn’t know, so he lets him. 

Maybe that’s the worst part - Magnus wants him, and Alec doesn’t run, and _he doesn’t know why_. 

It’s unsettling, this feeling of just not knowing. Not knowing what it is that Magnus sees in him, what it is Magnus wants, not knowing why Alec is okay with all of it and doesn’t run. He doesn’t recognize himself or the choices he makes when he’s around Magnus. 

If he keeps this up, people will _know_. 

_I wanted to see you again._

No, definitely the worst part - Alec briefly wonders what would happen if people _did_ know. This man, this beautiful, powerful warlock _wants_ him and what would happen if people just… knew? 

Alec swallows and pushes the thought from his head. He hates not knowing but he does know that he definitely can’t tug on that string. So he’ll just have to be okay with not knowing. 

*

**_(1.07) Approachable: capable of taking the preliminary steps toward a particular purpose_ **

Alec can feel himself inching towards something he’s been avoiding for as long as he can remember. Izzy makes comments to him, harmless comments that he could ignore or shut down. But he doesn’t. He allows them - or at least their intent. 

He could play oblivious when she asks about spending the night at Magnus’, like he doesn’t understand her insinuation. 

He could act confused when she brings up taking Magnus on a date, like he’s missing her implication. 

But he doesn’t. 

He acknowledges her; he legitimizes what she says. Alec treats her words like unsolicited advice and not like baseless accusations. He’s okay with things he wouldn’t have been okay with a few weeks ago. 

Magnus makes him okay with things. 

It’s a slippery slope, he knows. It’s okay for Izzy to know now, not just about what he wants but specifically _who_ he wants. But who’s next? Jace? Fray? When does it stop? Because his mother, she can’t ever know. The Clave can’t know. 

Magnus can’t know. 

But he’s in motion now, and he’s picking up momentum, and he needs to find the brakes. 

Then he thinks of Magnus and for a brief moment, he doesn’t want to find them. 

*

**_(1.08) Flustered: in a state of agitated confusion_ **

_Magnus is quite magical._

What the hell. 

Alec said those words out loud. In public. To another human being. That he just met. 

Lydia’s smart, very very smart, so there’s no way she doesn’t see through his _he’s very good at magic_ bullshit.

He can barely make eye contact with her. Apparently just talking about Magnus has him rattled now. This is devolving so quickly.

But once again, Alec tells himself to tamp it down. It shouldn’t be that difficult; he’s been repressing this side of himself for years. He just needs to focus and stop talking about Magnus, stop thinking about him. 

Which is a great idea in theory. But he thinks about him all the time now. Over and over again, Alec tells himself to push it back, but it’s at the exact same time that he’s also telling himself that Magnus is coming to the Institute today, so it’s a little pointless. 

Instead of tamping it down, he decides to train. Shirtless. Because of course he does. 

As he repeatedly punches the bag, he can hear _Magnus is quite magical_ on loop, and he can clearly picture the look he probably had on his face when he said it. He’s becoming more and more alarmed at how difficult it is for his brain to catch up with his mouth anymore. This is not who Alec is. He’s controlled and level-headed, not an unpredictable mess. 

Why is he being so obvious? 

And then Magnus walks in, and Alec remembers what Magnus’ smile looks like when it’s directed straight at him, and Alec thinks, _How could I not be?_

*

**_(1.09) Wistful: full of yearning or desire tinged with melancholy_ **

Marriage is - it’s fine. Marriage is fine. It’ll be fine. Lydia’s decent, and there’s a greater good at stake here.

It’s not like Alec was ever going to get married anyway. 

He’s actually lucky that it’s Lydia, to be honest. Who knows what kind of marriage his parents may have forced on him someday, what kind of woman they’d push on him. And if - if rumors ever got out about Alec, rumors about what he wants and how _wrong_ those wants are, his dream of Head of the Institute, or any leadership, really, would slip right through his fingers. So it’s good. This marriage will be good.

It’s not like he was ever going to get married anyway.

But telling Magnus, trying to make him _see_ , it’s pointless. Magnus doesn’t understand _family_ and _honor_ the same way Alec does. He doesn’t understand that this is for the best, that sometimes sacrifices have to be made. He doesn’t understand that this, _they_ , could never have worked anyway.

Watching Magnus walk away, though, it hurts in a way Alec wasn’t prepared for. He knew he could never have what he wanted, has always known that. It wasn’t until Magnus that he even let himself think about it, though. Magnus and his persistence, his willingness to put himself out there no matter how many times Alec tried to push him away - it stings a little to watch him walk away.

Magnus was a chance, an opportunity, and Alec has to let him walk away. Just because he wants it doesn’t mean he gets to have it.

It’s not like he was ever going to get married anyway.

*

**_(1.10) Determined: fully committed to achieving a goal_ **

Alec lies in his room some nights, just wondering, staring at the ceiling or maybe the wall, wondering if there’s a version of him out there that’s not afraid. He wonders - hopes, even - that somewhere out there is an Alec who likes who he is, who’s proud and confident and… just happy, really.

If that version of him is out there, does he care about duty and honor and what his mother thinks? Or does he look at Magnus and think, _I want him; I see him, and I want him, and I’m going to get him_.

Alec’s startled at that thought sometimes, that Magnus is in his daydream about another place, another universe. It makes sense, though, because Alec never used to wonder about another Alec until Magnus came along. It was Magnus who made him wonder about it in the first place.

He shoves it aside, especially now that he has real-life things to focus on, like his sister and the wedding, but it’s not always possible. His mind wanders there anyway, keeps him awake for hours as he thinks about what that Alec might do, think, _feel_. 

He’s a mundane, maybe. He doesn’t fight demons; maybe he has an innocuous job at a coffee shop or maybe he’s a - a gondola driver, who the fuck knows.

And maybe the first time he sees Magnus, he walks right up to him and asks him out, or flirts with him, or chases him, or does any of the things his Magnus has already done. Maybe that Alec is obvious and determined, and maybe he grabs Magnus by his sweater at a party and reels him in and -

Alec rolls over in his bed and tries to shut off his brain so he can fall asleep. He’s jealous of a fictional version of himself out there, and he finds little comfort that a better, stronger, happier version of himself gets everything that Alec can never have.

*

**_(1.11) Anticipation: the act of looking forward, especially pleasurable expectation_ **

His excuse is so weak, Alec knows it. But it’s only Izzy that has to hear it so he’s not as embarrassed as maybe he should be.

When he shows up at Magnus’ loft to ask him to be Izzy’s attorney and actually says the excuse out loud, it’s even more obvious how flimsy it is. Especially when he says the words and then immediately tries to leave.

It was an excuse to just be near Magnus, to just _see_ him, and they both know it. Alec knows the time is coming when he doesn’t get this anymore. This cat-and-mouse game, it’s almost over. Magnus will stop flirting with him, and Alec already misses it. He was so clueless when this game began, but he’s gotten used to the flirting and the persistence and the thrill of being wanted.

Because soon Alec will be married and Magnus will stop. Soon Magnus will be just a warlock they call for consultations and ward repairs, and Alec will have to watch Magnus flirt with someone that’s not him. And something in him already aches.

So really, he can’t be blamed for wanting it just one last time.

When Magnus throws his _pro bono_ joke out there, Alec feels that satisfied thrill. God, Alec wants him and Magnus wants him back, and he got this one last moment. He’s been waiting for this since the last time Magnus flirted with him; it’s the highlight of each day.

Alec knows he doesn’t have too many more chances, but maybe he can get one more moment, one more excuse.

*

**_(1.12) Exposed: not shielded or protected; vulnerable_ **

Alec has never felt so vulnerable in his life. When he talks to Magnus about his goddamn game, when he talks to Jace about the diversion of his life path - he feels like he’s see-through. Everyone knows.

Magnus is risking nothing, and Alec would be risking everything.

It’s all a game to Magnus anyway. But the thing is - is Alec prepared to win or is he prepared to lose?

If Magnus wins this game, if Alec chooses him, then he could lose everything. If Magnus loses this game, if Alec turns his back again, then he loses Magnus.

And what if Alec’s right, that this whole thing _is_ just a game for Magnus? What if Alec chooses him and Magnus has his moment of fun and casts him aside? But then - what if Alec is wrong and Magnus actually wants him, wants to be with him? Which one is Alec more prepared to lose - his heart or his chance?

Alec just needs a moment to fucking _think_.

But then Magnus shows up and stands in the aisle. 

It’s public; it’s out in the open. The High Warlock of Brooklyn puts his reputation and his heart on the line. He can’t pass this off as a game, not anymore. His people will hear about this, obviously they will. The warlocks will hear that their leader showed up to a wedding to fight for a _Shadowhunter_. If Alec looks away, Magnus will be the laughstock of the entire Downworld.

But Magnus showed up anyway.

Alec’s not ready. He can’t give this up yet. He has to take this chance or it’ll haunt him for the rest of his life. He’s going to put everything on the line for Magnus, in front of his family, his mother, the Clave.

And if Magnus doesn’t want him, if it’s a game after all, well - Alec will have to deal with that later. He’ll deal with the pity and the judgment later.

For now, he’s going to walk down the aisle with a determination that surprises even himself. He’s going to grab Magnus by his lapels and kiss him with everything he has.

And when he pulls back and watches Magnus for a brief moment, he knows his eyes are saying _I’m choosing you; please be choosing me too._

Alec has always been private, guarded, but right here and right now, he’s open for the world to see. He’s open for Magnus.

*

**_(1.13) Insecure: deficient in assurance; beset by fear and anxiety_ **

Alec isn’t typically unsure. It’s not his job to be unsure. He does what he’s told, and sometimes he does what’s right, but he’s usually _sure._ Walking down that aisle to grab Magnus by the lapels was fucking terryifying, but he knew he had to do it. 

He’s shaky now, though. Not because of Magnus, no, but because of everyone else. Magnus says things like, _Why don’t you start with that date you owe me_ and still looks at Alec like he’s something special and important. Whatever it is that Magnus is thinking, it makes Alec feel secure and confident that this could be something.

It’s everyone else. They make him feel like he’s about to tumble, and he can’t catch his footing.

It’s because his dad says, _There’s so much you don’t know about him_. He calls Magnus a lothario like maybe he _wants_ Alec to feel unsteady. It makes Alec’s mind wander for a moment, but the Magnus he’s seen in those photos, the bored looks and multiple admirers, it’s nothing like the Magnus he sees when they’re alone and Magnus says, _You’ve unlocked something in me_.

But Alec remembers those words and the smile Magnus gave him and he feels steady.

It’s because Camille says, _Well, Magnus, you certainly have a type_ , and Alec can’t help but to compare himself to her. If Magnus loved Camille, how can he - how can they - it’s hard to finish that thought. Camille is the ultimate psychopath, and even if she presses her lips on Magnus’, it’s only to get a rise out of Alec. That’s all it is.

But Alec remembers that charge between them when they first met and that charge when Alec gave Magnus his strength - things that couldn’t ever be faked - and he feels steady.

It’s because Izzy says, _Say that again and you won’t last_ , and Alec tries to tell himself that it doesn’t mean anything. Izzy’s just being protective, that’s all. It doesn’t mean she’s already worried; it _doesn’t_. It doesn’t mean that maybe Alec has something to worry about. Alec tells himself it’s not that; it’s only Izzy hurling accusations at Camille because Camille is a raging psychopath who’s perpetually trying to instigate.

But Alec remembers Magnus face as he stood resolutely in that aisle, and he remembers Magnus’ disappointment when Alec told him he was getting married, and remembers Magnus desperate sincerity when he insisted, _I know you feel what I feel._

And that’s what matters, Alec tells himself. He’s finally at the point where he doesn’t care what anyone thinks anymore. He can trust Magnus, and he can trust whatever this is going to be. He really doesn’t know much right now, but he knows he can trust _this_ because _this_ is going to be really fucking important.


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> season two through the eyes of Alec Lightwood

**_(2.01) Apologetic: feeling or showing regret, regretfully acknowledging fault or failure_**

Alec fucking panics.

Magnus walks past him on the patio, walks right past Alec and his weak apology, and Alec knows that this could be a defining moment of their… whatever this is called. It isn’t a relationship yet and if Alec doesn’t say something now, it never will be. 

He’s not good at these. He doesn’t apologize often. Not because he doesn’t want to, but he’s a rule-follower and he does _ever_ y _thing_ for his family. He doesn’t have to apologize often. 

But this here, this thing with Magnus, he knows he fucked up. He’s been fucking up all damn day, and he’s not sure how much longer Magnus is going to put up with it. 

Magnus is - he can have anyone he wants. Alec doesn’t know how many people Magnus has been with in the past several hundred years, but he does know that he would have had hundreds of opportunities. Look at him. How long is he going to stick around an inexperienced Shadowhunter that yells at him all day? He asked Magnus what he wanted from Alec, and Magnus had said, _At the moment, nothing_. 

And that’s terrifying. 

_Nothing_. Alec announced to the world what - who - he wanted, and Magnus doesn’t want it, not this version, anyway. 

All of this is running through his head as he sees Magnus walk inside, and he snaps, grabbing Magnus’ arm in a desperate attempt to get him to _stop stop stop_. 

Alec doesn’t even remember the words he used; he only remembers how much he meant them. It isn’t the guilt trip from earlier or his meaningless _I’m sorry for how I reacted_. This one, this one he puts everything into. He can’t watch this, whatever _this_ is, implode in front of him before it even has a chance to start. 

He risked everything for a chance. Alec wants Magnus; he wants - _needs_ \- to see where this will go. After what happened at the wedding, he’s not about to let this slip out of his fingers without a fight. 

*

**_(2.03) Stirred: to rouse to activity and evoke strong feelings in; to call forth something such as a memory_ **

Alec is - he’s dreaming maybe. He’s not sure where he is. He’s not sure of anything.

He can’t feel Jace. He can’t feel the other half of his soul, and it’s terrifying. He can’t do this without Jace. He can’t do anything without - 

But there’s something else there, too. 

No one can reach him wherever he is, only Jace. Everything is up to Jace right now; Alec’s helpless -

Wait, though. What else is he feeling? There’s something -

There’s someone else he can hear, someone he can _feel_.

It doesn’t make sense. Alec’s not sure where he is, but he can vaguely remember using his parabatai rune to track Jace. He needs Jace to make this work, to help him out of -

But he hears something else. There’s a ghost of a kiss on his lips, and he can hear a voice. There’s a presence by his bed. There’s a warm wave of magic cascading over his body.

Magnus. He can feel _Magnus_. That shouldn’t be possible. Alec can feel his parabatai, the Shadowhunter that shares his soul - and Magnus, a man he just met. That charged connection Alec feels every time he’s around Magnus, he didn’t realize it went this deep.

Alec doesn’t know where he is, but he knows Jace is coming for him, just like he knows that when he wakes up, Magnus will be waiting for him. 

He’s ready to find his way back.

*

**_(2.04) Grateful: pleased by reason of comfort supplied or discomfort alleviated; warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness received_ **

There really aren’t words for what Alec needs to say to Magnus. He’s still not even sure what they _are_ yet, but Magnus didn’t seem to let that stop him. Alec’s heard some stories; he knows exactly what Magnus did to keep him safe. Throwing Raj against a wall, draining himself of his magic -

He did that for Alec. Whatever _this_ is, it means something to Magnus already. And they haven’t even gone on their first date yet. It’s a bit intimidating, but in the best possible way.

Someone cares enough about Alec to fling Raj against the wall. Alec can’t help but let that bring a smile to his face.

Alec’s pleased, sure, but he’s also just thankful. He’s not sure what would have happened to him without Magnus’ help. He doesn’t know how long he could have withstood the pain, or if he would have been able to hold on long enough for Jace to pull him out. 

And all while doing this at Alec’s pace. Magnus has waited patiently for him, including for this first date they keep intending to have. He waits for Alec to broach the subject, always so cautious.

And Alec is so fucking appreciative. He hasn’t done this before. Like, _ever_. And he doesn’t know what he’s doing or what to say or how to act, but Magnus is patient and helpful, and Alec doesn’t know how he’d navigate this, whatever _this_ is, without Magnus’ help.

Everything that just happened, everything that’s about to happen, he’s just so grateful that Magnus isn’t letting him do it alone.

*

**_(2.05) Needy: marked by want of affection, attention, or emotional support_ **

He killed someone. Alec killed a person. He killed Clary’s _mother_. 

And he let a demon in. He’s not sure how to ever get past that. He’ll never forgive himself, so how could he ever expect Clary to?

He bolts from the Institute and heads to the only safe space he has right now.

Alec has never really needed comfort, not when the pain was on the inside. He just… shoved it down, pushed it away and moved on. Anything else was dangerous. It always bothered Izzy, who wanted Alec to talk to her and need her and be open; she just wanted a _brother_.

But now - now there’s Magnus.

Alec struggles to think about what he would have done if this had happened even just a few months ago. He would have had nowhere to go, no way to avoid everyone so that he could suffer alone. He’s not sure when Magnus’ apartment became a safe space, but it is. It’s a place that’s only for him. It’s private and _his,_ and no one else is entitled to it.

Because right now, Magnus is his.

And right now, he needs Magnus. He won’t be able to get Alec to forgive himself or to make him feel better, but Magnus will be on his side and he’ll listen and he’ll say something Alec can cling to as he tries to avoid falling into a deep pit of self-loathing and resentment. Alec never thought anyone could give him that before but maybe - maybe he can need Magnus.

*

**_(2.06) Restless: unquiet or uneasy as a person, the mind, or the heart; perpetually agitated or in motion_ **

It’s finally here. Their first date. And Alec is – he’s not sure he can do this. Things are on the line now. Important things. It was this abstract concept for so long, and now it’s here, and his nerves are like this actual physical presence that hangs in the air and serves as a painful third wheel. Alec’s trying to play an impressive game of pool, but he can feel Magnus’ eyes on him, which throws him off. His nerves are going haywire, and he just needs to _focus_ and - 

Yeah, he’s pretty sure he just got hustled. 

After he loses the game - because Magnus is a filthy _cheater -_ Alec is still antsy and fidgety and waiting for the other shoe to drop. He’s going to have to say things he doesn’t want Magnus to know, things like _I’ve never been in a relationship._ He has to say things that imply he’s never… well, never been with anyone.

And then he also has to hear things, things like _seventeen thousand_.

How are they supposed to do this? How can they make this work? Magnus has been with so many people; how long can he stay with a completely inexperienced, naïve Shadowhunter? And Alec – he’s so far behind; how is he supposed to handle the pressure of catching up?

He likes Magnus, wants to be with him and see where this goes. And Magnus does, too – but is that enough?

Alec never thought he’d get this, and Magnus makes him want _everything_. More dates, more time, more talking, more kissing, hopefully everything that comes _after_ kissing…

But he spends most of the date on edge and most of the walk home thinking about how much he wants this, but he’s used to not getting what he wants, and this is just one more painful reminder.

There’s a moment, though. It’s more charged than any other moment they’ve ever had, and Alec is more restless than he’s ever been. But he takes those steps forward –

And this kiss will mean so much more than their first because it’s just them –

And Magnus doesn’t tell him to stop –

And Alec leans down to kiss him –

And finally, his brain stops racing. His _pulse_ starts racing, but for a different reason from before.

Alec smiles and just breathes.

*

**_(2.07) Free: to be relieved or rid of what restrains, confines, restricts, or embarrasses_ **

This - Alec was never supposed to have this.

He can buy things from a shopkeeper in Tokyo for the man that he wants.

He can make out on a patio with a man he wants.

He can talk to his sister about sex with the man he wants.

Alec can _want_ things, and he can _have_ them. And he didn’t ever think that was something he would ever have.

He can’t even believe that a few weeks ago, this would have been terrifying to him. How did he care? Why did he stop himself from having these things? Magnus wanted him and Alec wanted him back, and what was he so worried about? There’s a weight that’s been lifted, and that ball in the bit of his stomach is just… gone. 

The speed at which he’s moving doesn’t even remotely bother him. Alec was terrified just a few days ago about what people would think, and today he just doesn’t give a fuck. There was nothing gradual about it; it’s more like a switch was flipped. Last week he cared and this week he doesn’t. Alec Lightwood, all-in.

And when he tells Magnus _I want this_ , he doesn’t mean _I’d like to lose my virginity please_. Well, he does mean that, obviously he does, but what he really means is that he wants that moment of closeness, that intimacy that comes with never feeling closer to another person, that beautiful feeling of freedom. What they have, it’s not wrong or sick or forbidden. It’s beautiful and it’s important and it’s special.

It’s everything he knew it’d be, but also it’s more. It’s a little… quicker than he would have intended, sure, but it’s more intense and intimate than he was even prepared for. Alec knew what that moment would mean for him, and he’s thrown off when he’s faced with how much it means to Magnus, too. Alec wasn’t prepared for how significant that intimacy was for Magnus, and the realization is overwhelming. It shouldn’t be possible for Alec to feel all of the things Magnus makes him feel but he does; he’s finally _free_.

*

**_(2.08) Proud: delight or elation arising from some act, possession, or relationship; pleasure or satisfaction taken in something belonging to oneself_ **

How did he care about this so long? How did he waste so much time giving a shit what anyone thought about this? He and Magnus, they’re not going away. It gives Alec a thrill even thinking that, and saying it out loud is just… it’s a really good feeling.

When Alec asks about having a party at Magnus' apartment, and when Magnus actually asks him, _are you sure_ , Alec tries to give him the most genuine look he’s ever given anyone in his life. He wants Magnus to be as confident in them as Alec is.

And god, the look on his mother’s face when he forcefully tells her he and Magnus will be there _together_ , it’s another thrill. This thing he and Magnus have, he wants everyone to fucking know about it because it’s his, it’s _theirs_ , and it’s deep and special and important, and they should all be jealous. 

He’s not sure what happened, what caused this complete about-face, but it probably has something to do with sleeping with Magnus for the first time, waking up with him, getting to kiss him any damn time he wants. A few weeks ago he was terrified of being seen with Magnus in public, and now all he wants to do is be with him, be near him. He wants to be alone with Magnus, sharing private moments and being real and free and _him_ , but he also wants to be in public with him, showing the world what he has now. What he fought for. 

There was nothing gradual about this shift; it happened so fast that he wonders if anyone who sees them has whiplash. Repressed, bitter Alec fighting against what he wanted for so long until one day, he flipped the switch and showed the world what he had.

Fuck, this is so good.

*

**_(2.09) Distrustful: to have no trust or confidence in; lack of faith in something or someone_ **

Faith in people has never been Alec’s strongest suit, but faith in Magnus, that’s been pretty consistent. Or it used to be.

He lied to Alec, and maybe it stings because it was so unexpected. Magnus has always been on his side - _always_. Since the day they met, Magnus has chosen Alec. He saw _Alec_ that night, not Jace. He came to the aid of the Shadowhunters more than once for Alec, not for the Clave. Magnus waited for him patiently, stood by him faithfully, and Alec hadn’t seen it coming.

Izzy and Jace love him, to be sure, but they don’t put him first, not like Magnus has. Magnus was the one person he knew would always choose _him_. But not anymore. Now he doesn’t know that.

Alec can hear himself snap at Magnus, say things like _This is my family_ with such a judgmental tone that he’s surprised Magnus doesn’t bite back. He hears himself toss out the unfair accusation of _But you knew enough_.

Objectively, Alec knows he’s being hard on Magnus, _too_ hard. But he still feels left out of something so important. This is his sister, and she’s _in danger_ , and Magnus never told him. It hurts how excluded and forgotten he feels.

Magnus has always made Alec feel _seen_ , but today he feels invisible.

*

**_(2.10) Panic: arising from a fear; suddenly destroying the self-control and impelling to some frantic action_ **

There’s a hysteria that Alec’s never quite known before. There’s also an awful dichotomy that he has to deal with all day. He spends the night not knowing where the hell Magnus is, if he’s safe, what’s happening to him… but he _does_ know what that means now.

He loves Magnus. 

And Magnus might not ever know.

And Alec isn’t sure how he could handle losing him anymore. Things feel different.

He finds Jace and the others, sees slaughtered Downworlders on the ground and his brain - his heart - is on an endless cycle of _no no no no_. His eyes scour the floor but Magnus isn’t there and _fuck_ please let him be somewhere, let this be a good thing that Alec doesn’t see him, _please please please._

Magnus doesn’t answer his phone, and all Alec can hear ringing in his head is _please please please_. He spends the night searching the Institute and sees dozens of Shadowhunters lying dead on the floor and even more Downworlders slaughtered just everywhere he turns.

_Please please please._

There’s nausea rising to the surface, and the longer he searches, the harder it is to keep it at bay. _Answer your damn phone, Magnus, please please._

He loves Magnus.

So this is what love feels like.

Alec reaches the front door, still frantic, breath still coming in erratic spurts, to see what he can find outside. He knows that Shadowhunters have been working all morning to clear up what they can, but maybe maybe maybe that’s where Magnus will be, helping - because that’s a Magnus thing to do after a bloodbath, right?

And then _finally_ there is Magnus. Who he loves.

Alec stares at him and touches him and holds him a little too tightly. And finally starts to remember how to breathe. _Thank you thank you thank you._

*

**_(2.11) Conciliatory: to become agreeable or reconciled; to overcome distrust_ **

Izzy’s in danger again, and Alec can’t help but to feel useless. He’s her older brother; he should be able to fix this. This time, though, he has Magnus on his side.

That mistrust from last time, the way Alec looked at Magnus and just felt forgotten, it’s gone. This time, Magnus is by his side, just like he argued he always _is_ , no matter what Alec thinks.

(And this time, Alec remembers Magnus is always by his side, no matter what it looks like.)

There’s an accompanying relief that comes with Magnus next to him, helping him. Alec doesn’t have to do this alone, which is sometimes still a foreign concept to him. Magnus is here helping him find his little sister, who’s probably frightened and alone and helpless and… doped up on poison.

Alec swallows back his own helplessness and fear, and manages to stay grounded with just the warm presence of Magnus by his side. They’re not talking, both focused on saving Izzy, but there’s still a weight that’s been lifted. 

Any residual fear or insecurity that Alec may have had about Magnus being on his side has dissipated. As soon as he finds his sister, he can breathe.

*

**_(2.12) Unsettled: not calm or tranquil; wavering or uncertain, as in opinions, behavior, or emotion_ **

Something’s off with Magnus, and Alec can’t figure out what it is. It’s… uncomfortable not knowing. He and Magnus, this is good between them. But whatever is happening has Alec feeling off-kilter, and he doesn’t like it. 

Magnus is distant and strange, like actual _strange_ , not the Magnus-strange Alec has come to fall in love with. He’s terse, and something happened, and Alec says _talk to me_ , but Magnus won’t. Alec is missing something important, and he hates feeling left out of Magnus’ life.

And then Valentine… there’s something off that Alec can’t understand. Valentine knows things, _intimate_ things, but Jace is right: Valentine knows how to destroy lives and can’t be trusted. Alec watched Valentine tear Jace and Clary apart; he remembers the pain Jace suffered through because of Valentine’s cruel lies. He _felt_ Jace’s pain, and Alec doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want Valentine to rip him and Magnus apart. He can’t handle that.

It never sits right, though. Those moments Valentine knows - no one knows them. They were _his_ , and Alec doesn’t like to share those moments with anyone. He might be more open than he used to be, but his guarded nature isn’t something he’ll ever fully change, and he doesn’t _want_ to. He wants moments with Magnus that no one else gets, and he knows Magnus wants them, too.

So how does Valentine know them?

Maybe if Valentine is gone, maybe things will be right again. Maybe Alec can catch his footing.

*

**_(2.13) Reluctant: feeling or showing aversion, hesitation, or unwillingness_ **

This is the last thing he wants to do. Walking into his boyfriend’s apartment and saying, _Hey, can I have some of your DNA to prove you’re not a serial killer?_ is something he knows will not go well. There’s no way Magnus won’t be angry or offended, and he’ll have every right to be. This relationship has never been about that, us versus them, so Alec knows he’s walking into dangerous territory.

But if he _doesn’t_ do this, then someone else will. Someone will come knocking on Magnus’ door, requesting proof that, despite the fact that Magnus has done nothing but help the New York Institute recently, he wasn’t spending his free time slaughtering Shadowhunters. Or worse, someone will come to the door and not _ask_ for anything; they’ll just take what they want from Magnus.

So really, it’s in Magnus’ best interest for Alec to do this. Definitely. And that’s what he tells himself on repeat while he stands outside Magnus’ door.

How did it come to this? Months ago, he would have been able carry out this request easily. Stop by, request an alibi and tissue sample from a Downworlder, and be on his way to prove to the Clave how competent he is. But now he’s _angry_ at the Clave, and he doesn’t feel like he has anything to prove to them.

But Magnus isn’t angry or offended. Well, he is, sure, but he’s also _hurt_ , and Alec thinks _I did that to him_ ; Alec was the one that made him feel that way. Alec made him feel inferior and judged. Magnus tells him _Get out,_ and he won’t even meet Alec’s eyes as he waits for him to leave, and it stings.

Alec doesn’t _want_ to leave, didn’t want to do this whole thing in the first place. He doesn’t want to go back to the Institute to prove to them something Alec could have told them anyways.

There’s no way out of this, just an endless circle of doing shit he doesn’t want to do.

*

**_(2.14) Content: satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else_ **

Alec is finally in charge. He’s officially _The Head of the_ ___New York Institute._

Alec has a boyfriend. His boyfriend is the fucking _High Warlock of Brooklyn._

Somehow, insanely, Alec has everything he always knew he’d never have: a job he fantasized about since childhood and a relationship with the most beautiful man he’s ever met - a man he loves that _loves him back_. It’s bizarre. It’s incredible.

He’s almost giddy - or at least the closest Alec could ever get to that - as he plans his first Downworld Cabinet meeting. He knows he’s being idealistic, but he also has confidence that he can do this. He can succeed where everyone else has failed. No one has ever wanted this as much as he has.

(Granted, no one has ever a vested interest quite like Alec has right now, but still.)

He’s satisfied and content in a way he never thought possible. They’re all here; they actually _came_. There’s a Seelie attendant and a vampire leader and a werewolf alpha, and they’re all _here_ , and Alec feels so fucking accomplished.

Then the warlock representative shows up, and Alec’s brain short-circuits, but only for a second. There are a few blond streaks in Magnus’ hair that weren’t there this morning, and when Magnus calls him _Mr. Lightwood_ … well. It does things.

And maybe Alec checks him out as Magnus walks away, but no one sees it, so he can still consider himself very, very professional.

He meant what he said during his call with Magnus this morning: he needs Magnus to be the warlock representative and not Alec’s boyfriend, but everyone here knows anyway, and when Raphael makes some good-natured jabs, Alec knows he should be offended or annoyed or maybe even belittled.

But instead it… does things to him. 

He’s going to be the Head of the Institute in a meeting with the High Warlock for the rest of the afternoon, but then they’re going to go home as Alec Lightwood and his boyfriend - and spend the whole evening in bed.

Alec never thought he would have it this good.

_*_

**_(2.15) Intimacy: very private; closely personal_ **

Magnus is hiding something and it stings a little.

Alec knows he’s not necessarily hiding something from _Alec_ specifically, so he tries not to take it personally, but still, he’s supposed to be the person Magnus talks to about things. That’s the point of him. And he knows Magnus doesn’t mean anything by it, that he’s trying to protect himself somehow, but it still stings.

So when Magnus tells him he killed his own stepfather as a child, Alec is a little startled. Not because of what Magnus did, but because of his hesitancy to tell Alec about it. Because of his belief that it makes him ugly somehow. And Alec doesn’t really know how to convey _You’re still the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, inside and out_ , so he holds him close and hopes that his unwavering presence says what he can’t.

Alec thought that after their first time together, he’d never felt closer to another person in his life, but he sees now that he was wrong. This, _this_ is the closest he’s ever been. The immensity of what Magnus just told him, the fact that he trusted him, compounded with the knowledge that he’s never told anyone else in all of his centuries - it’s overwhelming. He realizes his significance in Magnus’ life, his _value_. It’s one of the most emotionally charged moments he’s ever been a part of. Magnus loves him; Magnus _trusts_ him, and Alec has never felt this important to anyone in his entire life. What he sees in Magnus’ eyes… Alec desperately hopes that Magnus can see reflected in his own, hopes that he knows exactly how important he is to Alec, too.

*

**_(2.16) Indignant: feeling or showing anger because of something unjust or unworthy_ **

There’s something Alec can’t quite place after he talks with his father. It’s not like the righteous sense of duty he used to feel when his version of right and wrong matched the Clave’s. It’s not the overwhelming annoyance pouring over him in waves when his friends and family do something grossly irresponsible and reckless. It’s not the condescension he had when he finally figured out how warped the Clave’s sense of morality was.

This is different. This is offended and indignant because what the _fuck_ are you talking about?

His dad tries to rationalize his affair as _I thought you of all people would understand_. There’s a wave of revulsion that ripples through Alec. His dad tried to compare his mistress to Magnus, and Alec can’t help but feel intensely insulted.

He and Magnus, they’ve never hurt _anyone_. They love each other in a way that’s pure and innocent and all-encompassing, and his dad comparing that to his affair is insulting in a way that Alec can’t even articulate.

And then, to make matters worse, his dad thinks he can tell Alec what he can and can’t discuss with Magnus? Like Alec is still some helpless child who obeys his parents’ instructions without question?

Alec is nothing like his father, and the implication is insulting.

It’s _insulting_ \- Magnus couldn’t be anything further from an affair or an impulsive fling. Alec’s biased, sure, but he’d be indignant if _anyone_ tried to equate any relationship to his.

What he and Magnus have is - it’s just better. It’s stronger.

*

**_(2.17) Exhausted: drained of strength or energy; worn-out; depleted of resources_ **

It’s bone-deep, this weariness; he can feel it pulse through his entire body. The stress of knowing about the Soul Sword, the responsibility of trying to keep the Accords in check - it’s a lot. This is what Alec wants, the leadership and the responsibility that comes along with it, because he knows he can do it right. He can do everything that those who came before him couldn’t. He can uphold the Accords, he can keep the Downworlders safe, and he can just - he can figure it out. He can be better than everyone who came before him.

The thing is, though. Everyone who came before him - they weren’t dating the High Warlock of Brooklyn. They had the same obligations Alec did, but they didn’t have the same loyalties.

That bone-deep exhaustion only magnifies when he lies to Magnus about the sword. No, not a lie - an omission. And it’s to keep Magnus safe, to keep Magnus from having to jeopardize _his_ obligations. Magnus treats Alec as one of his most important priorities, sure, but Alec can’t ask him to keep this from the warlocks.

So he doesn’t tell Magnus. But it’s draining; god it’s so draining. Keeping this from Magnus while Magnus feeds him fucking lobster, it’s draining and completely unsustainable. 

He’s exhausted, but he’s trapped.

Alec can fix this, though. He can find the sword before Magnus ever has to know.

God, he’s tired.

*

**_(2.18) Desperate: moved by despair or utter loss of hope; suffering extreme need or anxiety_ **

This is like nothing Alec’s ever felt before. It’s - there can’t be a word for this. He’s miserable and desperate and there’s almost a physical reaction. His stomach plummets, his breath becomes ragged, and it’s like he can almost _feel_ his heart -

Oh. That’s the word. Heartache. For the first time he gets it. He’s watched Izzy go through a handful of breakups before; he watched Jace suffer through everything with Clary and now, he gets it. Alec understands why they make songs about this, why people have started wars and ruined lives. He can’t imagine anything worse than this.

He can’t understand what happened. Alec apologized, and Magnus looked up at him the same way he always does, with that reverence that never fails to make Alec’s heart skip a beat. And Magnus had said _I love you, too, but -_

He had said _but_.

There should never be a _but_. Alec would never use it, and he never thought Magnus ever would either.

Alec doesn’t beg. He just doesn’t. But this here, this is worth begging for. He hears his shaky voice when he pleads _Wait, wait, we can figure this out._

But Magnus silently says no, and Alec isn’t prepared for that. He knew his decision about the Soul Sword would end badly, but he never pictured it ending quite this badly. Magnus is just giving up, and Alec stands there, motionless and speechless. There’s a stinging in eyes that’s foreign to him. He can’t remember the last time he cried, but here he is, alone in a hallway, watching the only man he’s ever loved walk away from him.

Oh god, what is he supposed to do now. He can’t live like this.

Magnus is gone, and Alec doesn’t know how he’s supposed to live like this.

*

**_(2.19) Frustration: feeling discouragement, anger, and annoyance because of unresolved problems or unfulfilled goals, desires, or needs_ **

Magnus is better than this. The Seelie Queen, Magnus? Really?

(Although Alec knows that they’re _both_ better than this.) 

This is a new kind of frustration for him, one that’s a little more crushing than anything he’s felt before. He had thought - even though Magnus had said - Alec still thought that they’d -

That hallway, that heartache, that’s easily one of the worst moments of Alec’s life. He finally understood heartache. But this - the devastation is still there, and it still aches to see Magnus standing a few feet away, avoiding eye contact. He still feels trapped and helpless, because if Magnus would just _listen_ , could just see his side. Alec knows he could fix this, could show Magnus they could have it all, no matter what titles they had.

But Magnus won’t let him, won’t hear him, won’t even fucking _look_ at him. And Alec thought they were more than this. 

Magnus is being petty as hell, Alec knows. It’s not fair to Alec, definitely not fair to what they have and Alec just… it’s frustrating. To be shut out like that, to watch Magnus throw everything away over one stupid mistake.

Alec is _trying_. He sees Magnus’ side; he gets why Magnus feels hurt and betrayed, especially after everything he’s confessed to Alec recently. So why can’t Magnus try? Why can’t he try to see Alec’s side? He doesn’t need to think Alec was right in what he did; he just needs to try to understand it. And he won’t.

He _won’t._ It’s not like Magnus can’t see his side or try to understand. He just refuses, which is such bullshit after everything they’ve been through together. Alec would never throw this away, and it’s so discouraging that it’s so easy for Magnus to.

It’s not, Alec knows. Magnus is hurt and in pain and still loves Alec, which means Alec can still fix this. He just has to sit here and wait for Magnus to let him.

*

**_(2.20) Relieved: removal or lightening of something oppressive, painful, or distressing; experiencing or showing relief especially from anxiety or pent-up emotions_ **

Bit by bit, there’s a weight lifted; the pit in his stomach seems to dissipate each time he sees Magnus, and that fracture in heart seems to stitch up hour by hour. 

Alec waits for Magnus outside his apartment, and Magnus actually _talks_ to him. It’s _‘Shadowhunter’_ instead of ‘ _Alexander_ ,’ sure. And Magnus won’t even let him past the door, but still. Magnus talks to him, makes actual eye contact.

Later, Magnus fights alongside him. He has Alec’s back, and he’s helping the Shadowhunters again, and it feels good. Alec knows Magnus is still in love with him, but still, the proof is nice to see.

Jace, his parabatai and half his soul, is alive. There’s something to dig into there, sure, but he’s alive, and Alec can breathe a little easier.

Then in the bar with a celebratory drink in hand, Magnus looks at Alec, actually _sees_ him, and there’s no trace of anger or bitterness in his voice. He treats Alec like they’re casual acquaintances and not two people still desperately in love with each other, but whatever. Small wins are still wins.

But the final vestiges of that weight evaporate in an alley behind a bar. Alec isn’t giving up on this without a fight, so he tries one more time. Alec tells him, _I can’t think straight,_ which is the understatement of the year. Alec’s been distracted and useless these past few days. He can function and do his damn job because that’s who he is, but there are moments when Alec struggles to focus. When they fight demons on the beach, it’s: _is Magnus okay_ , and when they make their way to Lake Lyn, it’s: _get Magnus to safety_ , and when they’re celebrating, it’s: _how is he; did he get his strength back; does he need some of mine?_

And then Magnus looks him in the eye and tells him he doesn’t have to choose. Just like Alec told him in that hallway, Magnus says he can have both; _they_ can have both.

When Magnus kisses him, _finally_ kisses him again, Alec’s bruised heart finally feels fully mended, and he walks home - he can call it _home_ again - with his arm around Magnus’ waist and a relief settling deep into his bones. He thinks, over and over again as he grips Magnus tightly, _oh god, finally_.


	3. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> season three through the eyes of Alec Lightwood

**_(3.01) Committed: bound to a person or thing, as by pledge or assurance_ **

Magnus encouraging him to leave for Alicante, that stings a little. Sure, Alec is proud of what that job offer means, and yes, he does like the idea of _delegate_ , but that’s not really what’s important anymore. Magnus asks him _isn’t that what you always dreamed of_ , and Alec is briefly taken aback.

Yeah, it was. It used to be what he dreamed about: Alicante, the Clave, being important, proving himself, making changes.

But it’s not what Alec dreams about anymore. He’s a little late to the game, but he’s figured out that his job isn’t the only thing that’s going to give him fulfillment. There’s more to life now; there’s more to what Alec wants.

So when Magnus tells him _I don’t want you to move to Alicante_ , Alec lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. They’re both in this. They’re invested.

Alec has practically-but-not-technically moved into Magnus’ apartment, and now Alec is choosing - very easily - to stay here with Magnus instead of moving to Alicante. They could make long-distance work, he knows that. Their relationship would survive it; god knows they’ve survived worse. But Alec doesn’t want to try.

He wants to stay here in Magnus’ apartment, wants to wake up next to him and fall asleep beside him. He doesn’t want to try and align their schedules for a dinner date, or to put unnecessary distance between them.

This relationship is strong and important and - just… _good_. Alec’s not giving it up for a job. He’s poured everything into this, and so has Magnus, and it’s _good_. 

He tells Magnus _I’m not going anywhere_ , but he hopes Magnus understands that he also means, _thank you for wanting me to stay._

*

**_(3.02) Bold: fearless before danger, showing or requiring a fearless daring spirit_ **

Showing up to a party full of warlocks isn’t the easiest thing Alec has ever done, but it certainly isn’t the hardest. Sucking it up to the new High Warlock or hiding behind a bedroom door while Lorenzo acts like an asshole to Alec’s boyfriend, also not the easiest thing.

Speculating about Asmodeus’ relationship with Magnus, wondering what Lorenzo means when he accuses Magnus of knowingAsmodeus better than anyone, not that easy. Actually _asking_ Magnus about it, not sure he’s ready to hear what knowing Asmodeus ’ _personally_ ’ means, also not easy.

But hearing it’s only his father allows Alec to take a sigh of relief. Facing it head on, refusing to avoid things he might not want to know, Alec knows how to be that fearless.

But nothing - _nothing_ \- will stop Alec from clearing Magnus’ name, and that takes a little more bravery than he’s used to. Reckless decisions that could put everyone in danger, that’s usually left up to Jace or Clary or - actually, anyone he’s close to, really.

If he goes through with this… he’s jeopardizing his position as the Head of the Institute by showing up at Lorenzo’s mansion and allowing Magnus to sneak in. But it’s not something that’s up for debate. He’s jeopardizing the trust of every Shadowhunters in New York by allowing a warlock to mess around with the angelic core, but he knows Magnus can do it and he trusts Magnus implicitly, so he doesn’t really give shit what Raj thinks.

It’s a risky decision, but there’s not really a decision.

 _As long as you’re here, I’m not going anywhere_ , he says to Magnus, and doesn’t that just sum up Alec in a nutshell.

So he lets Magnus use his magic on the angelic core because he has to. If it’s fearless, that’s just a coincidence.

*

**_(3.03) Validated: to recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy of_ **

Finally. Fucking _finally_.

It’s been a long time since Alec last cared what his mother thinks of his relationship with Magnus, but he can’t say he’s ever given up on her, either. He doesn’t need her approval, not about Magnus, but he always hoped one day he’d have it. Not for him anymore, not really, but for Magnus. He probably doesn't care about Maryse’s approval either, but Alec still thought it would be nice.

She says _Thank you for loving my boy_ , and Alec is almost speechless for a moment. It's one of the most maternal things she's ever said in his presence, and Alec doesn't know how to process it. And she says it to _Magnus_ , acknowledges that what they have is love. Formal Circle member Maryse Lightwood just acknowledged that Downworlder Magnus Bane loves her son. 

It's a little overwhelming, and there are probably a lot of things he should think during that moment, that sweet, significant moment, but all Alec can think is _fucking finally_.

He and Magnus have come so far since their first meeting, and in his probably-biased opinion, what they have is so much stronger than every other relationship he sees around them. Sure Jace and Clary are in love, but Alec… well, he still likes his relationship best. And everyone that didn’t see it before, or belittled it, or didn’t understand it, or judged it - they see it now. 

He and Magnus love each other. They're so, so good together, and even though Alec couldn’t care less about what anyone on the outside thought, he still feels a little vindication that everyone else can finally see it, too.

*

**_(3.04) Trust: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone in which confidence is placed; to commit or place in one’s care or keeping_ **

It feels so long ago, the first time they went through this. The last time Jace was in danger and Alec felt helpless, Magnus tried to be there for him. He told Alec, _I know what you’re going through_ and Alec had snapped, _I don’t think you do_. Because Magnus didn’t know, _couldn’t_ know. But he tried to be there for Alec anyway, and Alec had refused the support. He refused to acknowledge that Magnus had lost people he loved, and even if he couldn’t empathize, he was still trying.

And Alec had pushed him away.

But now, when Magnus stands by him and asks _Do_ ___you need a hand,_ Alec doesn’t push him away, and it feels… nice. Jace is in trouble, and Alec feels useless, but at least he has someone on his side. Alec can count on Magnus to help. 

Magnus is _there_.

It’s still foreign sometimes, trying to rely on someone else, putting his heart in someone else’s hands, but Magnus makes it so easy. Alec can trust him to handle it carefully.

So he tells Magnus _Thank you_ , and he means it. It might not convey everything he wants to say, but hopefully it’s enough.

*

**_(3.05) Insecure: not confident or assured; subject to fears, doubts, etc._ **

He _hates_ this feeling. Alec’s spent a significant amount of time feeling confident: he’s always known who he wants to be (Head of the Institute), what he wants to do (make his parents proud), what he could never have (a man to love who would love him back), what his responsibilities are (take care of everyone), and what’s necessary to do (follow the rules). 

He was wrong about most things, sure, but he was confident at the time. He didn’t waver. 

This, though. 

Alec knows Magnus loves him, and he knows how much Magnus likes having him there. He likes waking up next to Alec and draping his arm over Alec’s chest when they sleep. So why doesn’t he want Alec to move in? 

And they’ve always gone at a break-neck speed since they started this relationship. They’ve never found the brakes - and Alec doesn’t _want_ to find them. He has limited time, and Magnus has all the time in the world. So how can he ask Alec to take this slow? 

Alec feels unsteady, and it’s all his own doing.

Magnus has never made Alec feel unimportant or trivial. He says things like _I want to cherish time with the one I love_ , and looks at Alec like he’s everything. He’s always open and honest, and the way Magnus treats him is so different than everything Alec has ever known. 

So why does he feel like he doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of Magnus’ life, like he’s insignificant? 

*

**_(3.06) Intoxicated: affected by alcohol especially to the point where physical and mental control is markedly diminished_ **

Drunk is a new thing. He’s had drinks before, but not like this. Not this many, not this quickly. And not this… emotionally compromised.

 _So I should go sow my oats_ , Alec remembers. He said that out loud to _his boyfriend_ , and the thought of it makes him nauseous. Or maybe the nausea is the whiskey. Or bourbon, whatever the hell is in his glass. Was in his glass.

Alec remembers storming out of the apartment, and he wishes he didn’t. Or maybe he wishes Magnus tried to stop him.

He’s in the middle of The Hunter’s Moon, and all he can think about is his first date with Magnus, getting hustled at the pool table just a few feet away. 

It’s true what he said to Magnus at breakfast; Alec got completely swept up in everything. It was blatantly obvious on their first date that they needed to have a discussion about his mortality. But they didn’t. He had other priorities.

 _I should sow my oats_ , he hears again and he clenches his jaw, because getting drunk is supposed to help him forget, not help him fixate.

Later, as he sits in a cab taking him who-knows-where, Alec thinks about how badly his head will hurt tomorrow and how sick he’ll get, trying to avoid thinking about how sensitive and insecure his heart will feel.

Why does anyone get drunk if it always ends miserably?

Why do people fall in love if it hurts like this?

*

**_(3.07) Overwhelmed: completely overcome or overpowered by thought or emotion_ **

There’s a moment when Alec can’t believe the words that come out of his mouth. He _hears_ them and recognizes his own voice saying them, but he’s still in disbelief that he said it.

That he even _thought_ it.

And that he stands by it.

Alec would summon an angel to bring back Magnus. It’s a startling realization.

Sure, he’s changed since he’s met Magnus, and sure he’s completely in love with him, and sure he’s told Magnus _I don’t think I can live without you_ , and meant every word of it but -

Alec’s now at the point that he’d make The Wish, though. How did he get here? How did this happen? He used to be such a model Shadowhunter, the quintessential obedient soldier, but now he’s come to this - realizing that Magnus is so intrinsic to Alec’s life that he couldn’t move on if anything happened to him. Shadowhunters love once, and Alec isn’t prepared to let that go, apparently. 

He’d actually use the wish on keeping Magnus alive - no, bringing him _back_ to life - despite the fact that the wish would be meaningless to everyone else. It wouldn’t affect anyone but Alec, and he doesn’t care. He’s too fixated on what that would mean for him, on how he’d spend the rest of his life in mourning because _they love once_.

He can’t stop thinking about it. Not the decision to use the wish but that he would defend his decision with everything in him. He’d do it; he knows he would. If Magnus was lying there, lifeless in his arms, Alec wouldn’t even think _twice_. It would be irrational and impulsive, and when the dust settled, he still wouldn’t feel bad about what he did.

Alec’s a little shaken by it, can’t fully process it. It’s too much, thinking about how far gone he is, but also going down that rabbit hole of anything happening to Magnus.

It’s too much, way too much to handle, even if his parabatai wasn’t fucking possessed by a psychopath.

So he takes a deep breath, focuses on Jace, and resolutely avoids thinking, _oh god I can’t believe that’s how far I’d go._

*

**_(3.08) Defensive: devoted to resisting or preventing aggression or attack_ **

Alec can keep his mouth shut only for so long. He’s got practice at shoving everything down; it’s practically second nature. And as the Owl spews things out of Jace’s mouth, aiming for every insecurity they have, Alec keeps his mouth shut.

So when the Owl aims for Alec and says, _the only reason I became your parabatai was to make sure there was a roof over my head_ , Alec keeps his mouth shut. 

When it aims for Alec and says, _your latest soldier boyfriend_ , he keeps his mouth shut.

When it aims for Izzy and says, _trapping your brother in a box_ , he keeps his mouth shut.

When it aims for Jace and says, _you guys were always the smart ones in the family_ , he keeps his mouth shut.

When it aims for Simon and says, _still jealous she chose me over you_ , he keeps his mouth shut.

But when it aims for Magnus and says _, if he could only have one of us, who do you think he’d pick?_ Well now.

Fuck that.

He bites out a _shut up_ , suddenly unable to tamp down everything, and gives the Owl exactly the reaction he was hoping for.

Alec is protective, sure - always has been. But defensive and sensitive because of some bullshit a demon says solely to get a reaction? That’s a little new. And he doesn’t like it. He should be able to keep his mouth shut, and he _can’t_ , and Alec doesn’t like it.

Magnus and Izzy manage to keep their cool, but Simon most certainly does _not_ , and since when are Alec and _Simon_ on the same page?

Alec belatedly realizes the significance of that comment being directed at Magnus, being used _against_ Magnus. It makes Alec feel defensive all over again - if that’s what Magnus actually thinks, well now. Fuck that.

*

**_(3.09) Comforted: to receive consolation in time of worry; the ease of grief or trouble_ **

Magnus is here, _always_ here, and it’s comforting in a way he’s never felt before. Magnus’ hand on his and doing what he can, unwavering.

Magnus spends hours researching until he finds a solution to save Jace, even though he’s clearly exhausted. He does it for Alec; they all know it. 

It’s a spell, something that - once again - will put Magnus in danger. He does it for Alec.

And it requires Lorenzo’s help, someone who will only use this against Magnus, to make him feel even more inferior than he already does. He has to rely on someone else for this, something Alec knows he hates doing anyway, and of course it has to be the one warlock who thoroughly enjoys humiliating Magnus.

But Magnus offers it anyway. He does it for Alec.

And when it doesn’t go well, when Lorenzo succeeds in humiliating him, apparently that’s not enough for Magnus; he’s still willing to go further. He offers to contact Asmodeus, the greater demon that destroyed his life.

And he does it for Alec.

No one’s ever gone this far for Alec; no one has ever risked this much. Alec hates how they’ve gotten to this point, but knowing that the man he loves and would do anything for, there’s a powerful comfort that comes from the fact that Magnus would do the same.

*

**_(3.10) Abandoned: left without needed protection, care, or support_ **

There’s a loneliness Alec isn’t familiar with ringing through his ears. Magnus left him here. Magnus made a choice, made it _for_ Alec, and left him here.

It’s not fair to throw Jace into the mix, unfair to say _Tell me Jace isn’t worth it_ , because sure, Jace is worth anything; he’s taken _half of Alec’s soul_ hostage, and how is Alec supposed to survive if he loses that?

And Magnus tossing that out there as the reason he’s doing this, going to fucking _Edom_ to make a deal with a fucking _greater demon_ , it’s not fair.

Does Magnus really think he wouldn’t have done the same for him? Does he think that if Jace had made the decision to go and said to Alec, _Tell me Magnus isn’t worth it_ , does he think Alec wouldn’t have let Jace go? Because Magnus is worth everything, too. 

Jace has half of his soul, but Magnus has Alec’s entire heart, and how is he supposed to survive if he loses that?

Alec feels alone, like Magnus abandoned him here without knowing those things. Magnus didn’t _ask_. Magnus dove in because he thinks Jace is still the only thing that matters, and it hurts. It hurts that Magnus doesn’t believe in them like Alec does.

He hears the Owl say, _Who do you think he’d choose,_ and he also hears Magnus’ subsequent, deafening silence.

When he kisses Magnus, he means it to be _I’ll see you when you get back_. But when Magnus kisses back, it feels like Magnus means _Goodbye._

Magnus has never made him feel like this, like he was alone and unprotected. Like he wasn’t doing enough to show Magnus what he meant to him. Like he didn’t know how vital he is, how intrinsic he is to Alec’s entire life.

When he gets back, though, when Magnus comes back through that portal, Alec will make sure he fucking knows it. 

*

**_(3.11) Devotion: the fact or state of being ardently dedicated and loyal_ **

Something happens to Alec when Magnus returns. Alec doesn’t know if it was that feeling of emptiness when Magus was gone or the panic that he might not ever come home or how trapped he felt when Magnus told him why he was going or maybe it was the knowledge that Magnus gave up everything for him. Magnus gave up _everything_ for Alec. 

But whatever caused it - something has changed. Something broke in him, and now all he can think about is how blinded he is by Magnus. 

Magnus is his world. He knows he should maybe be embarrassed about it, but Alec really couldn’t care less. Everything revolves around Magnus. Alec is going to spend the rest of his fucking life proving to Magnus that he’s worth it. Alec is worth everything Magnus sacrificed.

The real embarrassing part is that he doesn’t even have to _try_. Things just accidentally fall out of his mouth like _You’re beautiful the way you are_ , and _your inner strength_ , _you’re overflowing with it._ And the way he watches Magnus, stares at him, he’s not exactly subtle about it.

Fuck, is he in love with Magnus. But it moved past ‘love’after Edom. What’s more than ‘love’? Alec will defend this man until he dies; he’ll give up everything to protect him and to be with him. Magnus is his priority. His world. His purpose.

_*_

**_(3.12) Helpless: unable to help oneself; not able to be controlled or restrained_ **

Alec should maybe be a little more embarrassed about it, or at least slightly concerned, but he genuinely just doesn’t care. He has zero restraint around Magnus, and honestly, he’s fine with it. He made peace with that realization long ago. What does it matter? Who cares?

At first, it was a little alarming, sure. Alec has always been controlled and collected. At this point, it comes naturally, probably the effect of years of repression and self-imposed isolation. He doesn’t rely on brute force like his brother or strategic emotion like his sister; no, Alec uses his head to dictate. There’s a reason he’s the Head of the New York Institute. And even if it was those long years of bitterness and loneliness that helped form the rational person he is, it’s who he is, and that’s not a bad thing. He’s in control of who he is and what he does.

For the most part.

Because then there’s Magnus.

Magnus has been the exception to dozens of Alec’s rules and life-long habits. It’s just – when Magnus is flirting with him, or exposing his _arms_ like that, or smiling at him, or, just… being awake and breathing – Alec forgets himself. And his self-control. And sometimes, kind of his dignity.

Which is how he finds himself in the middle of the (hopefully) empty training room, boyfriend shoved up against the wall, breathless and desperate. The fact that Magnus calling him _cute_ is what makes him snap is borderline pathetic, especially since he managed to keep his cool while rolling around on the ground with Magnus and his goddamn _arms_. Alec’s the fucking _Head of the Institute_ , and none of his subordinates need to see him powerless and wrecked like this, but… well, some things are just worth it. 

And Magnus’ all-out sprint as he follows him to Alec’s room makes him feel pretty validated.

*

**_(3.13) Included: to take in or comprise as a part of a whole or group; to be involved as a factor_ **

Alec’s not going to say that talking to his sister about her addiction is _good_ , but it’s something. Important, maybe? 

He remembers all that time ago, Izzy telling him _When you’re ready to talk about whatever you need to talk about, I’m here_. She wanted a relationship with her brother, and he refused to give her one.

But they have one now, and it’s nice. Alec missed out on it for so long, but better late than never.

He’s not naive; he knows exactly how he got here. He opened up because of Magnus. He has a relationship with his family because of Magnus. He shows the world who he is, and he gets to be a part of everything now… because of Magnus. Sure, his sister used to tell him about her relationships and romantic entanglements, but she didn’t talk about serious things, _real_ things.

But she talks to Magnus, and Magnus talks to Alec, so it opens the door. And it feels good. He feels like a proper older brother. It’s just candy bars, but it’s not, and they both know it. He’s a part of her life in a way he never got to be before. It’s a good feeling, and he knows who helped steer him in this direction. 

Alec is so grateful to be included now, and he’s so grateful for the person who stood by him until he got here.

*

**_(3.14) Fury: violence of feeling or desire; unrestrained anger, rage, passion, or the like_ **

He says, _I’ll kill him_ , and there’s something in him that actually means it. Alec won’t kill him, obviously he can’t, but Alec’s a little startled that his first thought is _can’t_ , instead of _won’t._ Lorenzo – he’ll pay for this in one way or another. Either it’ll be Alec Lightwood, the former High Warlock’s boyfriend, or it’ll be Alec Lightwood, Head of the New York Institute, but one of them will get revenge.

Alec watches Magnus and how – how _defeated_ he is, and he bounces between sympathy and guilt and protective and helpless and just… wanting to do whatever the fuck he can to _make it better_.

But also rage. It’s more intense than any anger he’s ever felt before. It goes so far beyond that. Anger was for unsanctioned missions or being lied to by his parents but this - this is so, so much more. This makes him want to ruin Lorenzo, run him right out of New York, destroy his relationships, disassemble his career, humiliate him in front of the Spiral Labyrinth – Alec wants to do all of those things, plus things he hasn’t thought of yet. Izzy and Jace, they’ll be able to help him think of all kinds of shit to ruin Lorenzo for sure.

Alec can’t ever remember feeling this furious, actually wanting to cause physical violence to another person, even though he can’t do that as the Head of the Institute. Well he could if he came at this as just a boyfriend and not – no. No, he just has to remember he _won’t_.

He won’t, even though Lorenzo is clearly a sick monster. Magnus has lost _everything_ : his job, his powers, and now his home? He doesn’t have anything left to lose.

Alec clenches his fists into balls. He can’t do the things he wants to do. He _won’t_.

*

**_(3.15) Amused: pleasantly entertained or diverted as by something funny_ **

Jealous.

Oh god, it’s great.

Magnus is _jealous_.

Maybe it’s insensitive to laugh about it and actually tease Magnus right to his face but - just, _jealous_.

Magnus is actually jealous.

Alec can’t remember the last time he found something so innocently amusing - maybe the time Jace set fire to his own leather jacket and refused to explain how - or why. 

He knows it’s irrational, and he knows that _Magnus_ knows it’s irrational, so there’s really nothing too worrying about it. It’s not like Magnus is acting like some possessive boyfriend, shooting territorial glances at anyone that -

(Although there’s something about _that_ that’s kind of hot.)

\- but Alec can’t help but laugh and smile and think about it for the rest of the day. It’s something he kind of wants to share with Izzy just so she could get a laugh out of it, too.

Magnus is _jealous_.

The fact that someone is jealous over Alec, that’s kind of a good feeling. It’s taken him ages to get to this point, so the fact that he’s found someone who wants him enough to get jealous, it’s nice. Not the jealousy, just the history behind it.

And the fact that that someone is Magnus is just - it’s overwhelming and flattering because it’s _Magnus Bane,_ and Alec is pretty sure Magnus doesn’t really do jealousy. Not often, anyway. And even then, it’s probably warranted.

But none of that is what makes Alec laugh a little. What makes him laugh is that Alec is pretty sure there’s never been anything this unwarranted in the history of relationships. Sure, Alec is a little biased, but he can’t imagine a love like this out there, this intense and bold and amazing. They’ve fought the world to be by each other’s side, ignored the stares and the judgment and the prejudice. 

Who could ever want anyone else when Magnus Bane is in love with them?

Still smiling, Alec thinks maybe it’s time for another romantic gesture or two, time to remind Magnus that Alec isn’t going anywhere, that he never wants to be anywhere else.

_*_

**_(3.16) Lost: ruined or destroyed physically or emotionally; unable to find the way_ **

It’s a feeling he can’t place: foreign, unfamiliar, unwanted. Alec’s been alone before, sure, but never like this. He doesn’t feel lonely or isolated; he feels _unmoored_. 

The worst part is that there’s exactly one person he wants to talk to, the one person he always wants to talk to when things are too overwhelming for Alec to handle on his own, but that person isn’t an option. That person is lying in a hospital bed, unreachable.

Alec is genuinely at a loss as to what he’s supposed to do now. He can’t think of the next steps, how to fix this, where to go. So instead, he grasps Magnus’ hands in his own and thinks, _don’t fucking leave me here alone._ Because that’s what it comes down to. There’s no coming back from Magnus, and even if there was, Alec would have no goddamn clue where to start. 

Magnus has been the center of his universe for too long now. He tells Lorenzo, _He is my world_ , and tries not to break down in front of the asshole who did this to Magnus in the first place, the warlock who triggered Magnus’ spiral and started this whole thing.

Magnus is the only one he wants to see Alec like this, vulnerable and in pain. He’s the only person who could help him, to guide him, and show him a way out of this darkness. Alec is so far gone over this man, and he’s not even sure who he is anymore if Magnus isn’t by his side.

He hopes Catarina has some kind of answer because he won’t accept anything less than a definitive, clear solution. 

Magnus is his anchor, and Alec won’t - can’t - lose him.

*

**_(3.17) Adoration: feeling or showing fervent affection and devotion_ **

There’s a lightness that’s a little strange but entirely welcome.

Alec is going to get _married._

Well, he has to propose first, but he’s pretty confident in the answer. Magnus hasn’t ever been married before, sure, but Alec still likes his odds.

As he gets dressed and tries to soothe his rapid-fire brain and racing nerves, Alec almost smiles at how bizarre it all is. When he first met Magnus, he was terrified of spending too much time or standing too close or staring too long, because _no one can know_. And now, he wants to put a ring on Magnus’ finger so that fucking _everybody knows_.

And now he _is_ smiling, and he tries to ignore the besotted expression on his own face.

Alec might be more self-conscious about it if he cared. He’s heard the talk; he knows there are rumors that the Head of the Institute, the gruff and direct and expressionless Mr. Lightwood, becomes the soft and tender pushover _Alexander_ when he’s left alone with a certain warlock.

But Alec doesn’t care. Hell, he doesn’t usually even help his case. Sometimes, when they’re standing somewhere in the Institute, Alec will notice his voice going quiet and his eyes turning soft and his shoulders relaxing, and he has to deliberately remind himself that they’re in public.

Fuck, he’s so in love. And tonight, he’ll be engaged.

Alec never thought he’d get this, and he doesn’t know how he lived without it.

Alec leaves Magnus in bed and heads to work with a ring in his pocket and probably another besotted smile on his face. Magnus looks _beautiful_ sitting there, half-dressed, something Alec has seen dozens of times yet still isn’t fully used to. Already he can’t wait to devote the rest of his life to him.

He stares at the ring later and tries to figure out how he’s going to make it until eight o’clock.

Tonight is going to be one of the best nights of his life.

*

**_(3.18) Heartbreak: crushing sorrow, grief, or anguish_ **

Seeing Magnus like this, it’s like nothing he’s ever known. This man Alec loves, who he wants to marry, who he wants to spend the rest of his life with… he’s suffering and in so much pain. It’s unbearable to watch.

When Asmodeus offers the deal, there’s almost no deliberation for Alec. He half-heartedly discusses it in code with Jace, but he knows what he’s going to do even before he talks to Izzy. There’s no choice. It’s Magnus’ happiness or his own. There’s no decision there.

When Izzy asks him _But will you recover_ , she means to be concerned, but it’s cruel. Of course he won’t. How could he ever recover from what he’s going to lose.

As they stand there in his mother’s shop and Alec manages to tell Magnus that _The spark I fell in love with is out for good_ , it’s easily the worst moment in his life. It’s crushing and all-consuming, and he struggles under the weight of it.

Magnus grabs him and grips him tightly. He begs Alec to stay, and the desperation is his voice is unbearable. He lists off to Alec all of the things he’s lost, like Alec hasn’t fixated on them all day: _my home, my job, my powers_ , and now Alec can add himself to the list. 

He remembers standing in that hallway begging Magnus to stay but Magnus walking away anyway. It was awful and Alec’s first heartache, but it doesn’t even compare to this moment. Alec will replay this conversation in his head for the rest of his life.

Maybe, Alec thinks distantly, that those times before didn’t seem so final. When Magnus walked away from him because of the Soul Sword, Alec still knew how much Magnus loved him. When Magnus went to Edom for him, he still knew Magnus would come back.

But this. There’s no coming back from this. This can’t be undone. Alec will spend the rest of his life desperately in love with someone he can’t be with.

Magnus will be happy, though. He’ll have his magic; he’ll move on. He’ll love again.

The thought makes Alec cold all over. Seeing Magnus someday, maybe while he shows up to the Institute for a ward repair, or maybe because they need a consultation with a local warlock. Seeing him after he’s moved on and met someone new; oh god it hurts already.

This is a pain that will never heal, but Alec has accepted it.

Magnus will move on, and Alec has accepted it.

*

**_(3.19) Hollow: having an unfilled or hollowed-out space within_ **

As they stand in the middle of his office, Alec distantly wonders what it is exactly that Jace feels. He says he can feel that _There’s something wrong_ , but Alec can’t help but reflect on what that means. Because Alec doesn’t feel much of anything, so how can Jace?

He can still see Magnus’ face while Alec says, _I need a break from us_. He can still hear Magnus begging while Alec tries to walk away, actually _begging_. He feels Magnus’ hands drop from his face while Alec forcibly pulls back. He smells the lingering sandalwood. He remembers all these things but he feels nothing.

It’s eerily close to how empty and isolated he felt before meeting Magnus. But back then, he felt alone because he wouldn’t let anyone or anything close. Now his emptiness is because he _did,_ and it’s no longer there. He’s heard the cliché mundane saying of _It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all_ , but what the hell do they know?

There won’t ever be anyone to fill this void, because that’s not how Nephilims work. They get one; it’s more powerful and fierce than everyone else gets, yes, but still just the one. Alec found his one love, and now Magnus is gone, so there’s a space in Alec that can’t ever be full again. It makes no sense, to have this feeling of _not feeling_ , but he’s got the rest of his life to learn how to understand it.

*

**_(3.20) Aching: causing or reflecting distress, deep emotion, or longing_ **

It’s almost unbearable.

He’ll bear it, obviously he will, because that’s who Alec is. 

The loneliness and guilt he pushes down when Jace tells him _I can feel something’s wrong_ or when he tells his mom _I broke up with Magnus_ \- it’s all-encompassing, but it doesn’t compare to the actual physical ache he feels as he watches Magnus portal to Edom.

It’s genuinely like nothing Alec has ever felt before. It’s not like the unmoored isolation when Magnus was lying on a hospital bed, or the excruciating pain and disconnect when Jace died and took half of Alec’s soul with him, or the desperate panic when Magnus walked away from him in a hospital hallway, or even the hollow guilt he felt after he walked away from Magnus and said _There is no fixing this_.

This is different. Everything hurts, _everything_. There are elements of everything that came before this, like he’s suffered through all of them to prepare for this moment; he feels panicked and lost and desperate and exposed and exhausted, _all_ of them. They settle under his skin and mix together to create a toxic poison and an unbearable ache.

It had to be for this moment. He can barely remember the person he used to be when he pretended e _motions are nothing but a distraction_ , because these emotions aren’t a distraction; they’re overwhelming. They’re debilitating. 

Magnus is _gone_. 

Alec is alone.

Izzy and Jace and Clary crowd around him while he stares at the mended rift, but it doesn’t make him feel any less alone. It only serves to underscore the quite literal divide between Alec and his fiancé. They’re all on one side, and Magnus just locked himself on the other.

Alec has never in his life felt this alone.

It feels hopeless, but Alec knows he’ll never admit defeat. This aching chasm is unsustainable, and there’s no way he can spend the rest of his life trying to live with it. And if he refuses to live like this, then he has two options.

Alec will get Magnus out.

Or he’ll get himself in. It doesn’t matter which anymore.

_*_

**_(3.21) Selfish: arising from concern with one’s own welfare or advantage in disregard for others_ **

It’s not until a few hours after Alec’s – well, outburst, for lack of a better word – that he realizes what was so unsettling about it. He’s stressing out about how to save someone he cares about, offering ridiculous and self-sacrificing solutions; that’s nothing new. He’s been pulling that shit since before he even hit puberty. But what he said, the solution he came up with –

It’s straight-up selfish.

Traveling to Edom. Becoming a fucking _vampire._ That is just one hundred percent selfish. Alec hasn’t given a second’s thought about what’ll happen to Maryse, Izzy, or Max if he decides to become… _undead._ He hasn’t considered what’ll happen to the New York Institute or his hard-fought Council if he just up and abandons his fellow Shadowhunters.

And, probably most alarming of all, Alec doesn’t seem too concerned about what happens to his parabatai, the brother that _shares his soul_ , if he dies. Losing a parabatai is supposed to be the most pain a Shadowhunter can endure, and Alec doesn’t seem to care. Or, more accurately, he doesn’t seem to have even given it any consideration.

He knows, though, that Jace wouldn’t judge. They both know Jace has put someone or something in front of his parabatai one or two times (maybe a cool dozen), but that’s never been Alec’s style. Even the things Alec has always considered selfish, like walking down that aisle to finally choose Magnus, or refusing to put a dagger through a Lilith-possessed Jace, they weren’t entirely about Alec. He wasn’t the only one that benefited when he decided to be open about who he cared about that day he canceled his wedding; he wasn’t the only one spared grief when he refused to kill Jace.

Alec’s finally, unpredictably, hit the point of needing his own well-being to supercede everyone else’s. It’s been a long time coming. He’s spent his childhood putting his parents, his sense of duty, and the Clave first. After that, Jace and Izzy were his priorities as he served as the responsible older brother. And then… well, then there was Magnus, and everyone and everything paled in comparison.

It’s selfish. He knows deep down, this suicide mission isn’t even really about Magnus, either. Alec is worried about getting _into_ Edom and has barely considered an exit strategy. This isn’t about getting Magnus out. This mission is about making sure Alec is by Magnus’ side, wherever that may be.

*

**_(3.22) Warmth: the quality of being intimate and attached_ **

There was a time, long long ago, when Alec could feel nothing but cold. It seeped into his bones and permeated every aspect of his life. But that bitter, icy, jagged man in a denim shirt is almost unrecognizable to who he is now, the man with a warm smile and soft eyes, standing in a tux, ready to marry a man who loves him.

Now, it’s nothing but warmth. It’s everywhere, this heat that blooms and spreads until it’s touched every part of him. 

It comes from the silver band on his hand, slowly warming each time Alec plays with it, twisting it back and forth around his finger.

It comes from Magnus’ hands as Alec holds them in his own, standing in front of their family and friends, both promising _I am and will always be your loving husband._

It’s in the blush on his cheeks as he drinks another glass of champagne that his husband - yes _husband_ , because that’s a thing he can say now - keeps bringing him.

It’s the heat that prickles on his skin when they finally get home, and Magnus trails his hands up Alec’s bare chest.

It’s the flush that rises up his neck when Magnus hovers above him in bed and whispers, _You’re so beautiful, Mr. Lightwood-Bane_ before leaning back down for another kiss.

It’s in the way his heart thumps so loudly like it might beat out his chest, like it’s too full of everything he’s feeling to function properly.

It’s _everywhere_. It’s in everything he touches and feels and sees. And what Alec touches and feels and sees… is Magnus.

Magnus has helped Alec move from cold to warmth, and gave him everything in between.


End file.
